Just to be alive is a grand thing or like Sienna would say "So I sing just to know I am alive" :)

Dear Diary,  

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH I can't believe I got to see Sienna Spiro! It still feels like a dream, a high I never want to come down from🥹... 

I woke up the next day like this gif! To be able to witness a new and upcoming artist rise to such greatness. When I tell you guys that it was packed in the ballroom, like it was body to body on that floor! Before I mention how great the concert was let me start off with some of the things that the venue could've done better. First thing was the line to get into the ballroom, guys the line was insane it wrapped around 34th street! They could've managed it better in a way where it was divided by your ticket section. Second thing was going through security why they made me throw away my pack of gum? Like what the fuck was my gum gonna do to the people here? Third and last thing was the floor situation. Yes floor tickets are fun and good but they don't tell you how horrible the people in front of you can make the experience. Maybe it's me but if you are freaking 6"foot and up you should go to the back. There should be no reason why I am seeing your head instead of the artist I paid to see. I am 5'5 and in heels a good two inch taller but I still am in a way a bit short so it was hard for me to even see the opener and Sienna. And people who were short/er were trying to cut towards the front to get to see and the men in my section right away were arguing with them. I was appalled, I get everyone paid the same if not even more for the same ticket section but also be considerate of the person behind you too. Anyways one more I thought the third was the last but I forgot one thing. I understand we were all teenagers once and we too were annoying but guys there was this group of teenage girls next to me who wouldn't for the life of them shut up!! it was so bad that even the person next to me had to say "shhh" so loud so they can quiet down. When the opener Summer Joy was talking and performing they kept yapping next to me and kept saying "ughh when is Sienna gonna come out" "my phone is dying, I am bored omg". And I felt bad because guys Summer Joy is a really phenomenal singer, and it was my first time ever hearing about her and hearing her sing. And I couldn't even enjoy it because the girls next to me wouldn't stay quiet🫠. 

Anyways my divas lets dive into the good part... The concert ahhhh listening to Sienna perform her song live was unbelievable. She sounds even better in person, her vocals, her range, and her stage presence truly draws you and captures you into this in awe bubble. I was singing every song word for word no breath break!! This year was definitely for the female artists!! Even after I left her concert I took the train back home listening to her album once again. And guys she sang my favorite song aka Pure and when I tell you that I started crying and singing my lungs out you would've thought that I needed to be sent to the mental institution. 

I know this post is posted a week later but guys the day after the concert I woke up with a cold. On top of having my cold I also had my period and this unbearable pain on my bottom right wisdom tooth that made it hard for me to even do anything. I also don't have insurance coverage at the moment (America and there stupid orange ass oompa lommpa changing policies) so I can't really get myself checked out if not I'm going to have a huge ass bill just for something so simple.So my chérs here is the footage from the concert and pictures! I also took my film camera and took pictures but haven't developed it yet! I hope you guys enjoy the read and footage, and just incase my divas I will be going out clubbing on Halloween for my friends birthday and I won't be able to post for that day. So Happy Halloween Weekend, I hope you guys have a fun and safe time, and please comment down below what you guys will be dressing as this year! This year my friend decided not to do a costume theme but instead an animal print dress theme and I have this beautiful Peppermayo leopard sequin dress that I am going to wear and I can't wait to share pictures with you guys in my next post. Once again Happy Halloween queens love you guys <3

Concert Footage: 

And her performance:

Xoxo, Sam 💋

And just like that it's October and I am sorry!

Dear Diary, 

 OMG my chéries do y'all hate me right now!? I know I know I've been gone for weeks but all for a good cause. 

Where do I even start?.... The first week of October started off good, to celebrate the start of my favorite month and to officially end the summer on a good note I went to a rooftop Perreo event with my close friend. And literally the next day after that I had to be the father that stepped up and go into labor with my cousin who was finally having my nephew (godson). So I am a God Mother now and it has been the most rewarding feeling ever. That is the closet to ever being a mommy my family will get from me LMAO, its FTK forever and rich auntie for life gracias! 

I spent 4 days in the hospital with my cousin helping her out and taking care of my godson in the meantime for her to get rest throughout the day. When I finally came back home I was sleep deprived, mentally exhausted, and hungry. The food they serve in the Hospital should be illegal, it was so bad that it gave me severe acid reflux and stomachaches. I had to drink an Omeprazole and drink lots of water to keep it at bay but even still it had my stomach in shambles even after leaving the Hospital. And because of all of this plus other personal things happening in between I had to take a small break from blogging. The water sign in me gets overwhelmed when theres so many things happening, especially big emotional events and it tends to be hard for me to focus on one thing at a time. 

But now I am officially back and I can't to start blogging my days again and keeping you guys entertained for the week. This post might be a bit short for tonight since I am going to lay in bed and watch my show that I just started watching today. I am watching Adults and gosh its such a good show I hope they make more seasons of it! I am also going to try and sleep a bit early because tomorrow I am going to a concert that I am so excited for and I can't believe I am going to. I secured tickets to Sienna Spiro tour back in July or August and I been counting down the days ever since. I also got floor tickets LIKE WHATTTT!!!??? I am obviously going by myself, I wanted to experience my favorite artist alone. But guys I can't believe I am going to see her tomorrow if Gods willing so, and of course I will make a post about it in my next post this week so stay tuned for that! 

Before I end the post I wanted to know if you guys would be down to start a book club on fable together? I used to have a book club in January with my cousin and close friend but they never finished reading the book of the month and we never texted back in that chat either. After that I just sticked to my own reading goals which I am proud that I did! I was also in Victoria Villaroel bookclub on fable but she hasn't updated it in months so once again another failed book club. Now I wanted to know if you guys would be down to join a book club if I started one on the app Fable for us and we can pick the books we would like to read for each month. If you guys love the idea comment down below or send a message on the diva chat! And I will create one and post the link on my next post for you guys to join! 

Have a Good Night my divas, hope you guys have an amazing week full of magic

                                                                 Xoxo, Sam💋

Mail Club, Book Exchange and Friend Application

Dear Chéries, 

I have an idea and I hope you guys are all ears for this! 

I was laying down in bed when I was hit with this sudden cool idea for us divas to do as a way to get to know each other more. And hopefully this idea gets to inspire all of you guys. I would like for us to start a free Mail Club and Book Exchange! Every month we will send each other cool trinkets, postcards, book marks, stickers, and anything that seems cool for you guys to send. And also exchange or send a book that you think the person would like to read for the month. 

 

Now I know we are in a day and age where giving our addresses to total strangers is very risky. And with this idea (that's if everyone is down for it) maybe instead of giving our address we can open a P.O Box so that way everyone feels much safer sending their person what they desire to send for the month. Of course each month can be themed with whatever you guys want, and it doesn't even have to be something expensive being sent, everything can be inexpensive or creatively done! Since the economy is shit right now I know some of you guys would probably not want to sign up for a monthly subscription for a Mail Club. That's where my idea came from doing something thats free and creative for everybody on this blog and in yours to do! And with this Mail Club/ Book Exchange we can also write letters to each other as another way to break the ice and get to know the people on our/ my blog more! Since Blogger is about community I hope we can build one through this. 

 I hope you guys are down for this idea, please let me know down below in the comments and in the diva chat on my sidebar what you guys think! 

P.S if you any of you guys live in the new york area and want to be friends please send me friend applications! Making new friends as an adult is hard, and I am currently trying to get out of my comfort zone in meeting new people! 

Xoxo, Sam💋

Lunch Dates and A girl who is going to be okay..

Dear Diary, 

Happy Friday my chéries, I hope you all had a fabulous week! 

I had such an amazing day yesterday that I wanted to tell you guys about it. I was going to write this last night and post it but I was exhausted and I wanted to just lay down in bed and read my book till I fell asleep. 

Yesterdays weather was perfect too all I kept saying to myself was "omg its SWEATER WEATHER". 

Compared to todays weather it definitely is a drastic change, we are currently under alert because of the Nor'easter storm thats supposed to be rolling in tonight. If you guys live anywhere near the areas where the storm will be hitting I hope you guys and your families stay safe out there! 

Anyways, after work I decided to walk around Central Park and go to my favorite walking trail that I always do when I am around there. And the cutest thing happened to me that made my day and made me smile so hard during my walk it made me say to myself  "You're going to be okay". So I was standing by this wall looking out into the pond in front of me while admiring the view of the building and trees. As I am standing there I noticed that theres a field trip going on where students have film cameras and are taking pictures of different objects/ things around the park. I guess it's for a small school project they have to do. But while I am standing there one of the students came up to me and asked me if she can take a picture of me. I greeted her with a smile and said of course, I posed for the picture and after she took the picture she goes and tells me before she walks away "You are very pretty".... Y'all when I tell you that made me smile at her so hard I looked like the people from the movie Smile smiling lol. It really made my day because interactions like that rarely ever happen to me when I am in central park walking. Not everybody now and days are kind to you, and as a native New Yorker it really is a rare occurrence trust me. I feel like because it came from a girl it came from the purity of her heart. But if a man would have told me that while I am minding my business and trying to zen I would have been pissed off. Once the girl walked away, I went and continued my walk around the trail listening to classical music feeling the hope core from the world. A girl who is going to be okay. 

I decided to continue walking towards E75 street to sit down by a bench and read my book for a few while I waited for my friend to let me know when she was on her way for us to meet up for a girls lunch date. Theres something about sitting near central park reading that does something to my mental space, it gives me like mental clarity. Once my friend let me know that she was on her way, I hopped on the M3 bus down the street and made my way to W17st to meet up at our favorite place called Westville. Guys the food at Westville is soooo good I always leave that place satisfied. And its also across the street from the famous diner that Carrie and the girls go to every episode in sex and the city called The Cafeteria. 

Lunch consisted of us catching up on tea, tv shows, tik toks and life which was extremely needed. Sometimes I feel like all you need is your group of girls or that one friend to really make your day/life better! When we finished lunch we decided to walk two blocks down to this new book cafe that just opened up called Books N'Cup Cafe that has this homey harry potter feel to it. Sadly it was packed inside and they ran out of pastries that we liked so we decided to find a new cafe to sit at and have desserts in. We found that Hotel Chelseas cafe was another two blocks down from us and headed over there for a nice cup of cappuccino and an amazing dessert that I am still thinking about. I had this Vanilla Cognac Ice cream and when I say I was wowed I was WOWED. The cognac taste was so subtle and the crumbs on the bottom left this sea salt after taste that I was like omg who made this dessert?!?!?! And Im not much of a sweets person because I get a bit sick from it but that one left me feeling good. 

Once we were done talking, drinking our cappuccinos and eating our desserts we decided to take a quick walk down to Burlington and TJ Max to look around and window shop before going are separate ways and heading home. 

So yeah divas that was my day yesterday, I did take pictures to put on here with my post so you can see how beautiful it was yesterday. I will insert them down below: 

My cute outfit

 Central Park Walk View 

Sex and The City famous diner 

The Book N'Cup cafe from the outside and inside

This beautiful flower shop

The beautiful Hotel Chelsea Cafe, also the sugar made a heart in my cappuccino. Is that the universe way of telling me I am finding love? or am I being delulu?

And to top the night and post off the Empire State building in the cutest shade of blue last night. 

Okay my divas thats my post for tonight. I hope you guys enjoy the read and that you have a wonderful weekend! Also let me know in the comments if you guys would like for me to post suggestions of places for you guys to visit if you ever visit New York! 

Xoxo, Sam💋

Rainy, Reset, and Relaxing Sunday

Dear Diary,

Hi my lovely readers, I know its been a week since i've posted on here. And I usually never take this long to post something but this diva has been going through the motions. Lets grab some wine and unwind while I fill you guys in on my week. 

 

 

Well for starters today is a rainy day in the city and oh do I feel fall in the air *squealing and kicking my feet in the air*. Right now I am sitting on my couch listening to the rain fall from my window, while I have my TV show Bones play in the background. As you can tell my Sunday is a relaxing one, which is truly needed after the week i've been having. Well it wasn't really a bad week it was more of a draining emotionally and mentally week and I hope this new upcoming week is better. 

Being an adult comes with so MANY high highs and MANY low lows. And navigating through all of those is a challenge within itself, ones that I have failed and won and failed once again. People aren't wrong when they said not having money can make you feel down and angry with yourself. And with this economy no wonder people are going crazy. You work everyday these ridiculous hours then get paid and have most of it go towards bills to then realize that you still are short on money even for your necessities. And believe me when I say this I want to pull my hairs out every time I think about this.....

These are just the many low lows i've been experiencing this past week. Trying to get my financial hiccup back together so I can be less stressed about it and can finally focus more on getting the other parts of my life together. Beside my financial hiccup I am also going through a moment of clarity. I feel like at this moment I am outgrowing the people in my life and I am wanting to be less around them. I don't feel like the people who are in my life at the moment are truly genuine with me anymore, and its been like this since the beginning of this year. Now I will say that I know there are times where maybe I wasn't a good friend or there for said people in my life the way they wanted me to be. I am always so genuinely happy and excited for the people in my life especially when they accomplish something big for themselves. Yet this past few months I feel like that energy hasn't been reciprocated back the same to me. When I first went to Paris on my first ever solo trip I noticed the energy was off from said people. Though some were excited I felt like part of it wasn't as genuine as it seemed. And when I finally came back and April came around I felt like I was being iced out and not being invited to hangouts. Or I was being invited but only last minute when said plans were already made and I didn't have enough time to prepare for said plans. Thus leading me to refrain from giving said people any updates on my life and what I have planned for myself dream and goal wise. The pattern repeated itself when I went to Cancun Mexico last month. I didn't tell them I was going on vacation at all the only thing I would tell them was that from the 27-30 I would be unavailable and won't be able to do any events/hangout. 

Fast forward to the the day I get to Cancun Mexico I arrived at my hotel excited and happy to finally be achieving a trip I always had on my vision board. Said people have my location for safety reasons just like I have theirs too. They noticed I was in Mexico and immediately texted me in the GC to ask, me being excited about being there I responded to them right away giving them the details! When we get to our room I called them in a group FaceTime to show them the room because I wanted them to experience my excitement and see the amazing view I had from my room. Out of the 3 only two of them answered and right away I noticed that one of them had a sour puss face and was not really talking to me even after I asked what they wanted me to bring them back for souvenir. The third person didn't answer and right away started to ice me out a little and not answer my text messages individually. Don't worry divas I didn't let that get me down during my trip I still had fun and kept my energy positive. 

I did notice that once I landed back in New York they weren't texting in the GC as before or answering my messages either. If they did it would be one sentence or a quick reaction thats it. Once again I was being iced out and not being invited to hangouts or anything. And they have this thing where they do this to me so I give them the same energy back and don't reply in the GC or text them as much and the go and do like a uno reverse and tell me that i've been weird lately and how they been giving me space because of that and blah blah blah. Make it seem like it's me most of the time when in reality it be them and I just be reciprocating it back. But now it's gotten tiring and it's made me not want to have those kind of people in my corner with that kind of envious energy anymore. I feel like if I am being so genuine with you why can't I get that same thing back? 

Anyways let me tell you guys a couple of my high highs that happened this week! I finally got myself a library card!!!!

Now I can go to the library read my books and take out books that I don't want to purchase yet! Plus have you guys seen the way the New York Public Library looks on the inside? Its gonna be like I am Carrie Bradshaw when she supposed to get married at this library but Big decides to get cold feet and leaves her there! Oh how I love living in a city where every location has been featured in a movie and show overtime. I also finally reached owning 100 books (physically) HEHEHEHHE and because I reached the 100 mark I rewarded myself with getting two mystery date with a book box on tik tok shop and 19 books from thrift book from my wishlist!! I love reading so much and I will show you divas all the books that I own on my "Divas Physical Media" tab soon this week. The last high is that I got myself a new trifold journal with the cutest color penco clip and charms from etsy! And I will also be showing you guys my journal ecosystem in a future post with links to the shops too. 

Now my chéries I hope you guys had a lovely weekend, and that you are all doing well and fabulous. And that you also have a lovely week full of magical things <3 See you all in my next post this week. 

Xoxo, Sam💋

Touch-Starved, Clear bubble in my eye and in need of a new Laptop

Dear Diary,

Do you guys ever feel like when you read a book somehow it does this thing where it points out the things about yourself you seem to lock away in your mind? 

I started reading this book called "The Wild Card" by Kendall Ryan last night. And about 11% into the book the MFC said something to the MMC that made my brain realize a certain problem I have with myself. That certain problem is being touch-starved. Well I wouldn't say touch starved entirely but more so my problem with accepting affection and any physical contact with loved ones and people I meet. 

I could sit here and say that the reason for me not accepting affection from loved ones stem from my mommy and daddy issues. But then it would also be half a lie. It also stems from certain things that has happened to me while growing up and also from experiences that i've had in my late teen years. To give a bit more insight on what I mean by mommy and daddy issues, I grew up in a hispanic household Dominican one at that. Growing up I didn't have great examples when it came to love or how to show real non-transactional love to one another. I was taught that in order to be shown love, appreciation, kindness and affection it had to be earned and be because of doing something, for example; Chores and favors. A real sucky way to grow up if you ask me. My mom and dad were present physically however emotionally and mentally they were never there. (Trigger Warning Ahead) The other factors besides my mommy and daddy issues that have contributed to my problem is that when I was younger (about 5-6 years old)  I was molested by two of my cousins (separate times). No one ever knew and still don't know about it because child on child molestation during those times were rare to hear about. And it took me years to understand what was being done to me after I read an article online talking about these kinds of abuse. Fast forward to post-quarantine 2020 summer (18 year old me) I started talking to this guy that I went to middle school with. The first time he asked me to hang out I told him to come over my house (my mom and brother were present) he came over and we went to hangout in my room to watch movies and talk. Nothing happened the first hangout, all we did was share a kiss. Then about a week later I want to say he asked to come over again and hangout, my mom wasn't going to be home but my brother was. He came over and we went to my room to hangout and of course watch movies again. As we are laying down next to each other we start to have a mini make-out session. All I wanted to do was just make-out and lay and watch movies, but he had other plans in mind and kept insisting on doing things. He kept putting his hands down my pants and I kept moving it away saying no because I was uncomfortable and didn't feel ready for that kind of thing. But I guess no isn't a loud enough answer so he kept doing it, I on the other hand felt like crawling out of my skin. After that he got a call from his cousin and had to leave and I immediately ghosted him. 

All these factors over time have made me fear affection and made me fear physical intimacy to a certain level. Though part of me doesn't wan't to continue letting these factors take complete control or power over me I still find it hard to truly trust or feel safe with someone in order to allow to be given affection. I guess nobody has given me that sense of security to really give me the space to show that side of me that wants to touch and be touched in a genuine way. I really do hope I can heal those parts of myself and that overtime I find someone who makes me feel safe in that sense. 

I know the beginning of this post started off in a heavy way but let me derail it a bit to tell you guys what has set my hypochondriac ass into a frenzy. I have this small bubble in my eye right now that has made me go into a spiral (thanks to google search on it). Google had me thinking the worst case scenarios for why the bubble appeared in my eye. Whole time it was because I had put eyeliner on my waterline and I guess that plus the wind from when I was walking around in central park made some dust particle go into my eyes creating the small bubble. But y'all I swear it had me like this: 

Had me spiraling like Pepper from AHS.Though it has gone away slowly and I feel less paranoid about it.I might be dramatic but I swear after Covid my health anxiety has gone through the roof over experiencing any minor thing. 

And to finally finish off this post for tonight, I am in need of a new laptop :|. The amount of times I had to let my laptop rest while writing this post is outrageous!! My laptop sounded like it was going to take off to another planet. I truly don't understand why MacBooks are like this. I've had my laptop since summer of 2020, yet it acts like i've had it since the beginning of times! So now I have to look into which MacBook to trade mines in for and which one is not gonna cost me half an arm and a leg. My laptop really chose to start acting funny when my funds aren't looking good at the moment! 

Anyways my lovely queens I hope you all have a beautiful weekend, and that you guys stay safe! Till next post my darlings <3 

                           Xoxo, Sam💋

Mental breakdown, OBGYN Cancelled, and Sugar Daddy Needed!

Do you guys ever just want to climb to the top of the mountain and just scream your entire lungs out? Well thats how I feel right now, in need of a good scream to relieve some of this unshakable stress and worries that I have. 

Why when we want to become the new adults everything has to be so expensive! I really don't understand, I should sue every early 2000's movies for selling this illusion that adult life is fucking peachy 24/7. I am trying my absolute best not to have a big breakdown right now. Even while I was taking a shower I only let 2 tear drop come down and then just stopped myself because I feel like if I cry I am only attracting sad energy and negative things I don't want to have right now. And I know as human beings we deserve to have a good cry in order to let that unwanted feeling go from our bodies. But gosh it is so hard to just allow myself to have a vulnerable moment without feeling guilty about it. 

And I am ranting on an empty stomach because I also haven't eaten anything all day. Am I crazy? Yes. You guys are probably wondering how can I manage not eating anything for hours and still be hanging? well I call it pure rage and adrenaline keeping me together at this moment. Beside me on the verge of a mental breakdown I also had an OBGYN appointment. I got up early today so I can have a good amount of time to get ready and not be late for the 1:09 pm BxM4 bus. Luckily the bus stops right in front of my building. Once it was 1:07 I headed outside and got on the bus, now if you are from New York then you would know that riding the BxM4 is like luxury okay!! It be clean, theres always seats available and the AC never disappoints! I love riding that bus into the city. Makes me feel like Dakota Johnson in How to be single. 

This meme will never not be funny LMAO. But anyways I got to the city around 2:00 and decided to get off a few stops before my actual stop to walk around and get some fresh air. I am also a bit insane because my appointment is at 3 and I decided to get off on 85th street on 5th Ave. Mind you my OBGYN is in 42nd street on 2nd ave... Like I said I was running on pure rage and adrenaline. I powered walked from 5th ave to Madison Ave then to Park Ave then Lexington Ave then 3rd Ave and then finally made it to 2nd Ave. It was 2:50 and I was by 59 and 2nd ave, guys its a long walk and half of the streets are hills too so just imagine a hungry, annoyed, beautiful girl huffing and puffing up and down those hills just to make it on time to my apppointment :). I made it to the building at 3:06 went pass security and took the elevator all the way up to the 9th floor. When I arrive at my GYN office, the front desk girl greets me and ask me for the basics; My name, and date of birth and so on. And then she tells me that my appointment was cancelled because my GYN isn't working there anymore... when I tell you guys that I just stood there and took a deep breath. She said that they been calling me and that they sent me an email, now the phone one is in a way my fault because I didn't give them my new number but I could've sworn that I did. As for the email I looked in my spam folder and my priority folder, there was no email indicating that my girl was leaving the office!! 

I mustered up all the patience I had left in my body and just rescheduled my appointment for another day. As I am walking out the building I was hit with the sudden craving for Cava, and then reality slapped me hard in the face and reminded me that all my cards don't have any funds at this moment due to coming back from my trip. Not only was I hungry, and annoyed now I was super sad with no money and had to take that big L. Since I was running on pure rage and adrenaline, I decided to walk back to Central park and find a bench to finish reading the last few pages of my book so that I can relax and just calm myself down. 

This is where a Sugar Daddy is needed at this moment.. someone who can send me 1,000 every week and not want anything in return just a good conversation and thats it. All and all this just means that I need to not give up on myself at this moment and continue having faith that everything will work out. 

I hope you guys aren't frightened by my rant. I also hope you divas continue having an amazing week, and if you are not then I hope it gets better too and that something magical happens to turn it around. Have a good night divas <3 

To end the post on a brighter note heres a video from my walk in Central Park

Xoxo, Sam💋