For The Plot💋

Touch-Starved, Clear bubble in my eye and in need of a new Laptop

Dear Diary,

Do you guys ever feel like when you read a book somehow it does this thing where it points out the things about yourself you seem to lock away in your mind? 

I started reading this book called "The Wild Card" by Kendall Ryan last night. And about 11% into the book the MFC said something to the MMC that made my brain realize a certain problem I have with myself. That certain problem is being touch-starved. Well I wouldn't say touch starved entirely but more so my problem with accepting affection and any physical contact with loved ones and people I meet. 

I could sit here and say that the reason for me not accepting affection from loved ones stem from my mommy and daddy issues. But then it would also be half a lie. It also stems from certain things that has happened to me while growing up and also from experiences that i've had in my late teen years. To give a bit more insight on what I mean by mommy and daddy issues, I grew up in a hispanic household Dominican one at that. Growing up I didn't have great examples when it came to love or how to show real non-transactional love to one another. I was taught that in order to be shown love, appreciation, kindness and affection it had to be earned and be because of doing something, for example; Chores and favors. A real sucky way to grow up if you ask me. My mom and dad were present physically however emotionally and mentally they were never there. (Trigger Warning Ahead) The other factors besides my mommy and daddy issues that have contributed to my problem is that when I was younger (about 5-6 years old)  I was molested by two of my cousins (separate times). No one ever knew and still don't know about it because child on child molestation during those times were rare to hear about. And it took me years to understand what was being done to me after I read an article online talking about these kinds of abuse. Fast forward to post-quarantine 2020 summer (18 year old me) I started talking to this guy that I went to middle school with. The first time he asked me to hang out I told him to come over my house (my mom and brother were present) he came over and we went to hangout in my room to watch movies and talk. Nothing happened the first hangout, all we did was share a kiss. Then about a week later I want to say he asked to come over again and hangout, my mom wasn't going to be home but my brother was. He came over and we went to my room to hangout and of course watch movies again. As we are laying down next to each other we start to have a mini make-out session. All I wanted to do was just make-out and lay and watch movies, but he had other plans in mind and kept insisting on doing things. He kept putting his hands down my pants and I kept moving it away saying no because I was uncomfortable and didn't feel ready for that kind of thing. But I guess no isn't a loud enough answer so he kept doing it, I on the other hand felt like crawling out of my skin. After that he got a call from his cousin and had to leave and I immediately ghosted him. 

All these factors over time have made me fear affection and made me fear physical intimacy to a certain level. Though part of me doesn't wan't to continue letting these factors take complete control or power over me I still find it hard to truly trust or feel safe with someone in order to allow to be given affection. I guess nobody has given me that sense of security to really give me the space to show that side of me that wants to touch and be touched in a genuine way. I really do hope I can heal those parts of myself and that overtime I find someone who makes me feel safe in that sense. 

I know the beginning of this post started off in a heavy way but let me derail it a bit to tell you guys what has set my hypochondriac ass into a frenzy. I have this small bubble in my eye right now that has made me go into a spiral (thanks to google search on it). Google had me thinking the worst case scenarios for why the bubble appeared in my eye. Whole time it was because I had put eyeliner on my waterline and I guess that plus the wind from when I was walking around in central park made some dust particle go into my eyes creating the small bubble. But y'all I swear it had me like this: 

Had me spiraling like Pepper from AHS.Though it has gone away slowly and I feel less paranoid about it.I might be dramatic but I swear after Covid my health anxiety has gone through the roof over experiencing any minor thing. 

And to finally finish off this post for tonight, I am in need of a new laptop :|. The amount of times I had to let my laptop rest while writing this post is outrageous!! My laptop sounded like it was going to take off to another planet. I truly don't understand why MacBooks are like this. I've had my laptop since summer of 2020, yet it acts like i've had it since the beginning of times! So now I have to look into which MacBook to trade mines in for and which one is not gonna cost me half an arm and a leg. My laptop really chose to start acting funny when my funds aren't looking good at the moment! 

Anyways my lovely queens I hope you all have a beautiful weekend, and that you guys stay safe! Till next post my darlings <3 

                           Xoxo, Sam💋